I recently watched
Alias Grace– sad…and lightly uplifting in the end? I like female driven dramas
The Shape of Water– weird/cool romantic and sweet
When We First Met– subverted expectations of who the guy ended up with
and they were all really good.
On the almost eve of it being 2 years since officially coming out and the first day of the 2018 semester of classes, I am still navigating the regimes of cis heteronormativity in a patriarchal world of injustice. Lol it’s fun using big words. Navigating the spectrum of sexuality is a vast and expansive one indeed, but how to know who you like and are attracted to is a very specific inquiry that could take years to understand and cultivate. Two years ago, I dipped my toe in the metaphorical water of non mainstream sexuality and here I am still in said water. Whether that said water is bisexual, gay, or whatever is up for debate, but still definitely debatable. It is more towards bi actually for me, but hmmm is it?…. Sexualities of the like are becoming more mainstream, however…
WE NEED REPRESENTATION
Lol this is becoming a different convo!
The most trivial and convivial happy place is and can be within a spectrum of the spectrum.
Lol how many big words can I say in one sentence? Spatial resistance in spades of icy water holes or gridlock alerts and calisthenics with hygienics and oh whatever!
Stand up to the patriarchy and you know what, possibly the matriarchy as well- lol maybe not! Just stand up to meanies!
Lol this turned into a different article than I slightly planned!
I’m almost done with Mad Men. I’m on season 6. I hate the show because Don Draper (and others) is a bad man. He is romanticized in a good light, but who cares? Just because a woman sexually assaulted him and his mother beat him senselessly as a child does not mean he has to do the same to women and others as an adult. I like the show because the main female characters are cool. I like other characters as well and not all the men are bad in the show but a lot of them are. It’s also a period piece, which is interesting. I also learn about advertising. Speaking of advertising and Don Draper, here is an interesting linked up 7 minute or so video about advertising, sex appeal and gender/sexuality as well as misogynist ideals.
I watched Call Me By Your Name about two gay men (a boy and man actually). Like most lesbian movies, it was the same. One person is older and has a relationship with the younger main character. They fall in love. One moves away and they can’t be together because being queer is wrong. While I am glad that lgbt movies are more widely recognized these days, I cherish the happier movies and there are happier ones which is good and promising.
I’ve been going on the lgbt site, them.us. It’s actually by Conde Nast, btw. And if I haven’t mentioned before lgbtqnation.com is a good one (for news) as well. Although, I don’t always look at the news for sad news reasons. I try to go on those almost as much as Autostraddle.com and AfterEllen.com (everyday) which you already know.
Awards shows should go out of business.
I used to think awards were the epitome of greatness. When I wanted to seriously pursue acting I watched almost all of the movies that won Academy Awards. Seriously, almost all of them. It wasn’t even like I really wanted to watch them. I just felt that I needed to binge the Oscar movies to be the best actress out there. I also read a lot of acting books from Uta Hagen or Constantin Stanislavski and more. I wanted it all. Then things changed. Now, the culture of Netflix and chill (a sexual term-since everything is sexual. I am writing and drawing about that lately which you’ll see in the future probably) is all the rage and everyone binges shows all the time regardless of awards. When I watch things, it’s because I want to or for something to do, not for acting purposes. However, a lot of the actors are really good, great even and none of them win awards or actually I think some of them do. Also, I’ve taken so many acting classes, but really how can you judge someone’s performance? Well, I mean I guess if it’s believable, but what does that truly mean? Getting a part is kind of an award in itself right? So, the Globes are tonight and um…who cares? Also awards are/were typically skewed toward straight white Christian males (and females). Things are getting better, but whatever. In addition, the shows and such that win awards, most people haven’t even seen anyway.
So yeah I’m basically not an awards watcher anymore.
Hey Kre addicts, here is a cool article about natural blonds. ( I’m spelling blonde both ways I guess since it can be either for any gender).Tomorrow will be exactly one year since I went fully blond. My hair is more of an ombre now which I like and maybe I’ll get it done again fully all over. However all hair colors are beautiful! It is so rare to meet an actual, natural blond. Idk where the whole fake blond craze came from. Also idk if when you see people (mostly women) who are blond with dark eyebrows if they think that you think they’re naturally blond. Idk about me, but I just like it and yeah maybe I can make believe, or whatever it is, it’s fun along with my natural hair color! In other news, Happy New Years Eve Eve (no that is not a typo)! Also, I just watched the DJ music festival movie with Hayley Kiyoko, XOXO and it was cool. She was straight in it (sorry) but still cool lol! Also Hayley was in an episode of Insecure which was so funny! I heard she even has an album coming out soon! She’s only had eps before. Oh yeah and she’s a fake blonde as well lol although now I think she’s pink lol! Actually, correction she’s blonde again.
Life is full of repetitions. You wake up, brush your teeth, go to the bathroom, go to work or school, maybe hang out and go back to sleep and so on hopefully. We also do a lot of the same things during work or school with a specific routine. We also check our phones constantly for a text or to update our Instagram feeds or to Insta-stalk our lovers. We say a lot of the same things, too. We say we are single or are 4’11” or that we have this friend does this or that. We may also say where we are from like say, Queens or Brooklyn a lot etc. I wonder how many times in one’s life we say hi or goodbye or even good night. Probably in the thousands or even millions and yet we still say it all the time. We say I love you and I hate you. We also feverishly say I…like you. We kiss. We laugh. We cry millions of times. We also apologize too much to count. We even listen to the same songs over and over again. Sometimes when we don’t even want to listen to a song it’s on. Like when you’re shopping and the same oldies song comes on the radio that you’ve heard a billion times over and are sick of. If you are a Broadway star you are constantly repeating the same script day and night for weeks, even years on end.Holidays are also repetitive. If you’re a professor or teacher, you teach the same things every semester. I mean you can switch it up a little, but you know, I’ve thought about this. Of course routines can and do change, for sure with anything we do, but it is just so interesting how that same pattern remains throughout a person’s life. Even with narratives of horrific things or amazing things, it seems that the same pattern repeats throughout history encompassing lifetimes. School, oh gosh I feel like I’ve been in school/college forever and I actually kind of have just like most modern people. You start school at 5 years old or even younger and can end at age 25 give or take depending if you actually finish high school and go to college and even grad school. It’s such a privilege actually, to be able to learn and develop, but come on- I’m just saying. Also in the olden days (whatever years that means to you), women weren’t allowed to be educated. In third world countries, it’s still like that probably. Anyway, again these are all repetitions. Hence, life can be predictable at times. Whether you like it or not, that’s how the story of life goes. What do you think?
With all of the sexual assault victims coming out in Hollywood and more, is the world finally changing for the better in the future?
Leave it in the Past Please…
I sometimes have nostalgia about various things and then when the universe tells me something I listen. Some things are best left in the past. The past is in fact wonderful and can be a terrifying place as well. You can think about the good things only or the bad things only. The future is vastly different because you make it your own and different than the past whether you try that hard or not. So keep your memories and then let them go…
Let’s Make New Memories
We all die eventually. Life may matter and may not matter all at once. When people die, others turn to religion most of the time. Personally, I’m not sure if anything happens to you when you die. Burials and everything may actually not matter because when we die all that may matter is nothing. We probably just evaporate like we never even truly existed. Of course, people who knew the deceased want to keep their memory alive and may switch those gears on in their brains. No one knows who is right and who is wrong. The big picture may actually matter a lot, but who am I to say. Who is anyone to say, really? That’s something else though. So why is anyone alive? And how do we keep going when all signs point downward? Why does everyone die? I don’t know. Should we even care though? I know, I know this stance (and only a stance, not a final answer) is perhaps negative and any good religious person would shun this stance, but who cares? Well, whatever. I don’t know what more to say. I never get too personal on my blog and I still won’t, but just think about it…
Dreams…tell me what’s in a dream. Is it distant reality or a past yearning of sorts? Is it all made up in my crazy concocted clash of sensory images? How come I sense you, but don’t ever feel that longing in real life? In my land of dreams, you wait for me even if it takes a village or a lifetime. I know I’ll find you. Find me, please, for I cannot possibly wait another second or hour of my own anxious field of images. Don’t you remember when you told me on that ship sailing off that our love and yearning would rekindle our lives elsewhere? It is now seven years later and I miss the feel of your skin, that cute way you laugh at the sun, or the fire that burns deep within your soul and into mine. We lit up rooms together and now, that ship has sailed. I dreamt of you in that little t-shirt after you stripped yourself of your sweater and gave it to me because I was too cold and fragile to get my own. You told me that I really wasn’t cold or fragile, but that I was just scared of things. I woke up in a storm of sweat and I felt scared once more when I knew I decoded our relentless love that had reached a standstill. I will go to sleep tonight and become stronger and I will awaken that fire in me. I will find my purpose, my dear because you pointed me in that right direction.
I don’t know if I actually have celebrity role models, but I do like who I like and hate who I hate and that goes with anyone, a celebrity or not. With the idea that one shouldn’t meet their heroes, well I agree and disagree. They are people just like anyone else and the fact that they are famous doesn’t mean anything good or bad except for the fact of some good or bad publicity from public relations people or advertising executives. Anyway, you’re probably reading and thinking, hmmm did I read the title correctly? Yes you did. Demi Lovato is a celebrity as I’m sure you all know. I’ve admired her along with Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus amongst a plethora of other tween icons who rose to fame like they didn’t know what hit them. I wanted so badly to be famous as a child. Oh what I would have done for a Disney Channel Original tv show, to be that cute little actress all the tweens and their parents adored. However, Disney Channel is actually a pretty tiny and huge corporation all at once. The tween market is only for that family oriented specific audience of pre to post pubescent children wondering what life in the spotlight is all about. Regardless, I am glad I was never a child actor nor am I really doing acting at all now as an adult. Especially with all the Harvey Weinsteins or Bill Cosbys of the adult (and child) acting world, it’s awful. Nevertheless, if you are a woman or even a man, any profession has their own Weinsteins and Cosbys. It’s fucking scary, but you have to live, speak up and move on. I just added to the #MeTOO because everyone else is and it is not like I was exempt at age 15 by a stranger, which I’ve written about on my blog before. Along with general catcalls and always having to watch my back. Even The L Word’s Mia Kirshner wasn’t exempt from Weinstein‘s abuse. Anyway, Demi Lovato recently released her own documentary at 25 years old. It’s positively free on YouTube and while I’m not sure I’ll fully watch it, it is good that it’s out there. There was a hot second, like a year or two that I absolutely didn’t like Demi. Some stars I just never will like as an adult (at least for right now), like Miley or Beyonce or Rihanna or Lady Gaga. Even if I should like them in theory because some of their music is good and Miley and Gaga both are bi, and I even have liked some of them a lot or just a little bit in the past, I know what I do and don’t like in music and in publicity stints galore in the long run. In the documentary, Demi talks about mental illness, substance abuse, and her sexuality. At this point, I’ve only seen the first minute or so and read about it on Autostraddle and After Ellen. At first when I was just informed she did a documentary, I thought oh gosh she’s so full of herself to have a documentary about herself at age 25. However, it’s actually really smart and inviting I guess to be so honest about oneself in public. She’s always been open about certain things except fully with her sexuality although actually she always was open about that too. Her song, Cool For The Summer from the album before her most recent one, cemented something in me where I didn’t like her and then I really did. She was open to at least experimentation in sexuality. When I was 13 or so and she was 17 and I heard that she was on drugs and beat up her dancer and that her show got cancelled, I felt as if my role model had gone away. However, she was young and made mistakes. I’ve never made those exact mistakes myself, but then again I was never in the spotlight so young or had dancers. Now, if I talk to that dancer now, maybe I’d take down this article and apologize, but I’m not in that situation. Right now, I am in the circumstances of the fact that it’s okay to talk about private matters in public finally and it’s okay to mess up or have a genetic predisposition like depression or bipolar disorder or or eating disorders or anything really as long as you get better and are happy. By the way, I am loving her latest album Tell Me You Love Me and can I just say she is sexier than ever! I don’t know if it’s because I know she’s into women as well as men that I find her more appealing now or what, but you know. That being said, I don’t know if I’ll dive into her documentary and such or if I consider her or any other celebrity a role model. How could I anyway, when we, the audience doesn’t even really know them on a personal level. I even try not looking up celebrities because they give out a product called entertainment or the like and so I don’t want to know anything much about them except for their product for the public. No judgements here…sorry Demi that I used to judge you, whether you have a documentary out or not. I may even still judge now on whatever level. Hell, I judge so many celebrities and I don’t even truly know them and that’s on me. Btw, I’m glad that she and Selena are friends again!